At work my colleague spoke about this book by Gary Chapman about the 5 love languages. I already came across his theory on different blogs and Instagram pages but never explored it. I bought the book and started reading it. The book the five love languages written by Gary Chapman who is a marriage counsellor, was written in the late 90’s and has won popularity since the early 2000s.
As the book gained popularity, the theory has been posted everywhere and sometimes misplaced – many stick pieces of the theory together to come out with something completely different. To review properly the book the theory must be clarified.
Below will be discovered the different aspects of the book, the 5 languages, an analysis of the theory of the book, how the theory can be applied to our relationships and the misconceptions around the book’s theory.
Explaining Chapman’s theory
Chapman explains in his book that everyone has a love tank. This love tank must be full to feel loved. He explains that for many this love tank is empty, nobody speaks their love language or that simply put, people around them do not speak the same love language. A lot of people who feel unloved have an empty tank and try to compensate this through some antisocial behaviour. For people whose parents don’t speak or try to speak their love language this can have a big impact when they grow and are adults. The central theme of the book is the communication of love.
Gary Chapman explains that to fill this love tank, it is through love and speaking the love language of our love ones. He theorised 5 love languages that I have described below. To show love, the best way is through speaking other’s love language. In effect, using the same love language is a recognition of love. To speak their native love language, it is best to understand that people we love do not share the same love language.
The 5 different love languages
Words of affirmation: Mark Twain once said: “I can live for two months on a good compliment”. Words of affirmation are the kind words that are said to our loved ones. People with this primary love language give high importance to what is said.
Quality Time: Quality time is when undivided attention is giving to loved ones. Two of the most important aspects of quality time are listening and dialogue.
Receiving Gifts: Gifts can come in many different forms. For centuries offering gifts has been a sign of friendship. For some, receiving gifts is a sign of love. There are different gifts for this love language, ranging from the gift of our presence at important moments, to small gifts that have specific meaning.
Acts of services: Acts of services are the services that you do to help someone else. These services can range from household chores to helping a fried to move out. All these give the opportunity to show love through different aspects.
Physical touch: The most difficult love language to discover as a primary one is physical touch. It is the love language of touching (Hugs, shaking someone’s hand, putting your arm around someone). In times of crisis physical touch is important to show you love someone.
All these love languages have different dialects to them, making them hard to evaluate.
An analysis of Chapman’s theory
As the book gained popularity, many reviews sprung up. One of those criticisms is that Chapman is not someone who comes from the field of psychology. Indeed, Chapman comes from the field of Anthropology and his book has not gone through the empirical testing that psychology normally goes through.
This amplifies the second criticism that the challenges around love are a lot more complex than he claims. In an article published in the Atlantic, they interview a psychologist called Julie Gottam. She explains that for her, there is no one primary love language but that there are behaviours and expressions that have significance in different circumstances. An example could be adapting the way affection is shown during specific dates such as birthdays, births, social gatherings, and hard times. For Julie Gottam, the challenges around the expressions of love are a lot more complex.
In evaluation, the theory still strongly stands. Firstly, the fact that Gary Chapman is an anthropologist is a good basis for this book since his reasoning about languages gives a whole new spin to the study of relationships.
Secondly, Julie Gottam’s review does not really challenge the 5-love theory, since there are different love dialects that affect the way, we care about others. In the chapter about the love language of Gifts, Gary Chapman offers the clear example of the gift of presence in hard moments where there is a sign of affection.
Furthermore, research has been conducted even if scarce, about the 5 love languages. The research conducted by Pork and Egbert pinpoints that couples have a greater satisfaction in their relationship when their partner tries to speak the same love language. This is to say that even if the critics are valid, they do not really contradict Chapman’s theory.
Applying the theory while recognising the misconceptions around the book.
On social media, the 5 love languages have become a trend. Often used to describe our own love language, the central part of the book, about speaking other’s love language is forgotten. The main thesis of Gary Chapman’s book is to adapt the way that we express love so that others understand. Knowing our personal love language is important but more important is adapting the way we show love so that others understand.
To do so, asking simple questions about how that person expresses his love uncovers the other person’s love language. Then adapting the way, we express love so that they understand.
In other words, the 5 love languages is a good book that I strongly recommend.
Sources:
- The 5 love languages the secret of love that lasts Gary Chapman
- Speaking the Language of Love: On Whether Chapman’s (1992) Claims Stand Up to Empirical Testing Denise M. Polk* and Nichole Egbert
- It Isn’t About Your Love Language; It’s About Your Partner’s The Atlantic By Ashley Fetters
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